So, a while back I saw the founder of HGC apparel posted this book authored by Mark Manson on her Instagram page. For anyone who knows me, the bright orange cover and title “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck” was an attention grabber for me. For my closest friends and associates, it is no secret that I can be an asshole and here I was looking at a title that was fitting! So, I grabbed the eBook and started down the path of reading the book which is a simple but an intriguing read. To my surprising, this book would give me several eye opening moments.
The title of this book is somewhat misleading, because the author isn’t telling you to not have passion about various things, but to simply let go of your fears and inhibitions when striving for your goals. To basically not give a fuck that you may fail at something. To know that life doesn’t come without pain and it’s not a sprint to subside that pain once we experience it. Manson states, that one should instead embrace this pain for self reflection and improvement. He stated that it usually takes a traumatic experience in our lives for us to begin to reassess. In 2017, I was no stranger to that traumatic experience, if you’re late to that party scroll back a few posts and you’ll catch on quick. Furthermore, these self-reflections usually make us better unless we stagnate in terms of improvement. One of my favorite quotes from the books is as follows
“And this is what’s so dangerous about a society that coddles itself more and more from the inevitable discomforts of life: we lose the benefits of experiencing healthy doses of pain, a loss that disconnects us from the reality of the world around us.”
Excerpt From: Manson, Mark. “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck.” HarperCollinsPublishers, 2016-08-08. iBooks.
Disclaimer: Although I agree with the previous statement, I take this with a grain of salt, everyone doesn’t respond to pain the same. I’m a firm believer that your environment and sheer tenacity molds how you respond to pain. My healthy dose of emotional strife may not be same as someone else.
One of my favorite chapters in this book is the introduction of Disappointment Panda who we’ll just call DP for short. Disappointment Panda is basically that friend that keeps it real and always tells the truth no matter what. He doesn’t sugar coat anything. Manson states the following as DP’s purpose:
“..all the greatest truths in life are usually the most unpleasant to hear…Disappointment Panda(DP) would be the hero none of us would want, but all of us would need”
Excerpt From: Manson, Mark. “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck.” HarperCollinsPublishers, 2016-08-08.
There’s a lot of times that we need someone to tell us those truths and we need to learn to be very receptive of when we’re being enlightened. This is something that I’ve personally struggled with in the past because to be honest I’ve always been able to be DP, but never take the criticism from DP.
The following quote from Manson’s book also stuck with me.
“…Being open with your insecurities paradoxically makes you more confident and charismatic around others. The pain of honest confrontation is what generates the greatest trust and respect in your relationships. Suffering through your fears and anxieties is what allows you to build courage and perseverance.”
Excerpt From: Manson, Mark. “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck.” HarperCollinsPublishers, 2016-08-08.
A lot of people, questioned my first blog post about my grieving stages. People asked and applauded me about my openness pertaining to my emotions, while others questioned my sanity. To those who questioned my state, I believe when we don’t vent and express ourselves, especially as males that is a weakness. To me, for one to be able to express their emotions and stand on them is the utmost form of courage. I knew that if I could speak about my emotions in an open forum that it would begin to help with my healing process. There could be nothing but perseverance as a result of it. To open up like that was a major step in my life toward because I’ve never been one to communicate in terms of emotions. I felt that especially being a male and the fact that we don’t handle emotions well this was a perfect way to break the cycle at least for myself. Speaking with a friend today, we shared how those emotion eventually come out in terms of violence, suicide, or in some term of despair.
Another take away from this book that I really wanted to speak on were the values that Manson chose to put into text that he deemed, “shitty” … Now I know what you’re thinking, what make this guy qualified to define a shitty value? That’s the exact same thing that I thought until I saw how Manson defined these values. He defines good values as the following: reality based, socially constructive, and immediate and controllable. Bad values are defined as the following: superstitious, socially destructive, and not immediate or controllable. He gives four values which will follow in sequence with my take aways.
- Pleasure: Manson spoke on how there’s nothing wrong with having pleasure within your life, but when one centralizes their life around this it can be a problem. Manson deems pleasure as a false god.
I can remember when I was younger that I found pleasures in chasing women, partying, and in what made me and only me happy. The thing is that these things are temporary highs. At the end of the day when you vest into superficial pleasure, those sensations are only temporary and you end up being in the same rut that you were in before those pleasurable sensations. Think of the player who has a bunch of women, but at the end of the night he/she are lonely. When in fact, that same person really is only looking for companionship or probably just dealing emotional baggage. Manson describes pleasure as an effect instead. I believe if you’re truly happy in life then you will find pleasure in life through your being. This is something that in my period of self reflection that I have been committed to moving towards in life.
- Material Success: This one shouldn’t be a stranger to anyone. People measure their self worth by the things they acquire. People value their lives upon it. Hell, when you grow up without, we strive for the means to acquire “things” that we never had. People put a lot of emphasis into keeping up with the Joneses.
I can remember in college dreaming about Cadillac CTS-Vs, Trailblazer SS SUVs, and any vehicle that had SRT stamped on the back of it. Honestly, I would say part of my drive was to obtain one of these vehicles and “stunt” on the scene. I can honestly say it was about the image, I mean I was making the money and I had the means. I remember the day that I got the TBSS, it was an exciting day. I remember going back to homecoming in it and I remember bringing it back to the town. But here’s the deal, those material highs get old. It gets boring. If this is your motivation in life, then you’re really shorting yourself when it comes to life. Because once you obtain those things you get to a point that it bores you. You need an even bigger house or even faster car to obtain that feeling. I remember Manson stating that he had been to 55 or 57 countries and how when he got to the 57th country, it was like blah. And to be honest, you’ll never get that feeling of the first time again. Somewhere in my late 20’s my values changed, I didn’t give a damn about being that dude anymore. I realized that there were more things important in life besides having the baddest whip and showing people what I had. Don’t get me wrong, I still love having fast rides and I still love to look good while doing, but I realized that there are more important things out there. I’ve learned that it’s all about the experience of life and legacy you leave. I went back to a basic characteristic that I embodied when I was a teen and child, an attitude of not giving a fuck what people thought about me. Back then it was a defense mechanism because people would talk shit about my hair and it wasn’t what was in. When I started not giving a fuck, I started vacationing for the experience(growth) and not just to say that I’ve been there. I built the motor in my TBSS because I love to hear that cam thump on a cold morning, I could care less what Joe Blow thinks of it. I mean it’s nice to get the compliment, but it is what it is. I still go after the dollar but with a purpose now, not just to impress others. I’m on a mission, check the farming blog if you’re not familiar.
- Always Being Right: Manson states that as humans we are wrong constantly. He makes a point that people who implement a core value to be right all the time block themselves from growth and learning new things. You basically prevent yourself from learning from your mistakes, because you blind yourself from seeing where you went wrong in life. It’s implied one would block themselves from recognizing new perspectives and the ability to empathize with others.
If you were to ask my mother, she would tell you that I have always been an individual who has always loves taken a satisfaction. I’m that I told you so guy. A lot of the times good or bad I am right though. I’ve learned though, to keep my mouth close when it comes to my abilities to read individual and see in between the lines. I don’t personally see it as a value, but I honestly see it as just part of my personality and depth. When I began to step into management I learned that you cannot always be right and that you should open your ears more to listen. One can learn a lot by sitting idle listening and observing. I learned that when you open yourself to listen to others and learn, that this is when you can truly ascend in life. If you box yourself into only one perspective you’re handicapping yourself. I believe you should hold on to your identity, but at least be open minded enough to learn and be open to change.
- Staying Positive: Manson implies that having a value of constantly staying positive in life is also a shitty value. He isn’t saying that one shouldn’t have an upbeat personality, but accept that sometimes things are going to be tough. One should come to realization that shit happens. These experiences help make life positive in rewarding when we grow from them. When we deny those negative emotions, its usually leads to extended negative emotions and disfunction. It’s implied that we should express those negative emotion in a healthy manner and in one that aligns with your values. I really enjoyed the following quote from his book, “Problems add a sense of meaning and importance to our life. Thus to duck our problems is to lead a meaningless existence.” (Manson, 2016). Manson also included a quote from Freud which stated, “One day, in retrospect, the years of struggle will strike you as the most beautiful.”
In a sense, I will honestly say that this always been a value of mines. Reading that number four “shitty value” was a hard pill for me to swallow, because I’ve always used that as a coping mechanism. I’d always been a look on the bright side type of guy until the demise of my relationship in 2017, there was no look on the bright side to that shit. I knew that was a silver lining in our split, but that positive outlook value wasn’t working for me. This was a process that I was forced to grieve and being that breakups are usually traumatic experiences it was also an on switch for a lot self reflection and reconstruction. So in retrospect, I’ve learned to embrace pain and use it as growth. When I realized this smaller hiccups even after my split became minuscule.
There were plenty of take aways from this book, but to keep this review and post short I will just suggest that you read the book. This year I’ve been reading quite a bit and I’ve been doing a lot of self reflecting. I’ve deemed 2017 as a year of rebuilding and as part of that rebuilding I’ve been reading more than ever. If you give it a read feel free to tweet me, Facebook me, or even ask of a further opinion about it
The Black Smokey Bear 