It’s time to let the man have a talk with the beast in me.  In January, my world was turned upside down in one night.  The happenings of that night isn’t for WordPress, and if I haven’t told you then you won’t know.  Me and my ex had been going at each others throats in the past year during the wedding planning process like cats and dogs.  I honestly figured that it was normal because a lot of my married friends went through the same obstacles.

—-Flashback—-

 2016 started off with a full head of steam.  We started the new year abroad, kicking it in Mexico.  We’d squabble, but hell we were experiencing life, and I truly felt it was just the growing pains of a young couple.  I proposed on the Caribbean Sea in Tulum, Mexico at the Tulum Mayan Ruins.  It was the most awkward proposal ever, but at the time it felt right.  I sat there with a thought process of we have our problems but we seemed to be pushing through. I didn’t have a ring at the time, but I loved this woman. I knew that I was going to get a ring though, but I wanted to capitalize on the moment.    Hell, I still love that woman, but I cannot be with her, because she’s not the one for me.  But, we love a lot of people that we move on from or that have moved on from us.  Just because so and so died don’t mean we stop loving them, it just means we move on.  I was thinking that me and this woman do have our obstacles but there isn’t shit that could stop us. Hmmph. Let me tell you something people, a relationship takes more than love, dope couple activities, twinning, looking good together, and going on cool dates.

—-Fast Forward—-

I sit here listening to Joe Budden’s “Love For You”and sipping Woodford Reserve thinking that I never thought that I would be in this position.  And,  I’m coming through like Barry Sanders through in the gap in the 90s.

 

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Look, I just pictured all the places that we never went
All the texts that were never sent
All the words we never spoke

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Those three lines in January had me at my desk at work coming to tears. This is one of the few songs that can still invoke those early ’17 emotions, and I needed to do that to write this post.  I don’t cry tears anymore, but it takes me back to memories of good times. In roughly five months, I was supposed to be married 10/6/2017——obviously that’s not going to happen and it’s ok.  I’m not even a big wedding guy, but that was going to be a bad ass wedding lol. You would’ve wanted to be there. For the future though, I think I’ll stick to something simple and cheaper.  I’ll focus on growing the union.

My views of marriage after this experience will be for another post.  I’m not against marriage at all, but I believe that a lot of people my age don’t take it serious enough. They don’t realize the magnitude and commitment of it.  Hell, I didn’t realize the magnitude of it when I proposed. One thing that I gather from my married friends is that marriage is hard work.  It takes sacrifice and compromise.  This in a single pillar is why you have all these individuals in unhappy marriages and divorce lawyers are making money hand over fist.  Living in a generation of instant gratification people seem to forget things take time to blossom.  You have to put in work even in the most ideal situations.

For anyone who doesn’t know, in the study of psychology there are seven stages of grief.  Some people call it the seven stages of a break up, but it is overall the seven stages of grief that can be applied to any traumatic emotional situation.

According to Psychology Today, these seven stages are as follows:

• Desperate For Answers: Mannnnn, if that wasn’t the truth.  After that night I sit in my bed wondering how in the hell did we get here.  Just a year ago we were jet setting and getting stamps. We had done combined holidays and attended each of our respected family reunions together.  We were dodging none drivers in the Dominican Republic.  Three years ago, we almost died together on a jet ski in Destin, FL and I had confessed that we would never split because we lived.  We had made it out of Ohio against all odds.  “How the fuck was this happening?” We had just got a pet together.  Hell, she named him Kahlo.  That’s a big step haha.  Divine intervention was on our side haha. “We’re going to be together for life”.  You better believe it people, this shit was happening. Those thoughts were just a corner in a bottle that was overflowing.
• Denial: For me this wasn’t an – I couldn’t be without her thing, but a I’m not giving up on this shit thing.  I was hell-bent on raising the Titanic figuratively speaking.  I grew up fighting and this was a fight that I wasn’t going to give up. For that matter, I was going to win this fight. I wholeheartedly believe anything that you think is worth having is worth the fight.  While this is true, sometimes you’re going take that preverbeal “L.”
• Bargaining: You would be surprised what you are willing to give up when you know you are going to lose someone.  I’m a family oriented individual and I was willing to forgo a family to stay together.  That’s the bargaining phase for you.  This is truly a non-negotiable.  I’ve always wanted to have a family to leave a legacy for.  What I am building right now isn’t for me, but hopefully for someone to pass the baton to. There were other core fundamental differences in our beings, but that isn’t for WordPress neither.  You name it, at the time, I would’ve given it up in February to get back to the good times—-those Nas and Kelis days.  The irony in that comparison huh? Hell to be honest, I would’ve spent it too…

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• Relapse: Now for me, I feel that I knew that my relationship was done in my subconscious and heart, but somehow we held on for a bit after January.  It actually hurt me to see her hurt.  I wanted to do everything in my power to remove that pain.  It was to the point of when you kept trying shit and trying shit and trying shit and trying shit–don’t work.  This is an easy trap for you to fall in.  I mean go back to those three Joe Budden lines and that shit will scare the pure the hell out of you in a break up.
• Anger: This was the hardest for me.  I have a temper.  I’m usually pretty good at controlling my temper.  I try not to put myself in situations that I show it, because when I’m at that point there’s trouble.  When I lose my cool everybody will know.  IDGAF.  I was so mad at her, I was mad at myself..Hell I was just mad.  I even got madder when I realized that we would have to move on because we weren’t moving on together.  I was mad that the romance was gone, that the power couple had fallen.  I think this may have been the longest phase for me.  I look in my notepad and see a lot of anger from when I would jot down my thoughts.  I was pissed. Lol.
• Initial Acceptance: This was pretty much cut and dry.  It became very apparent we were not going to work.  If we continued to hold on, I think No. 5 up there may have caused some trouble if we would’ve held on longer lol.
• Redirected Hope: I honestly think this is where I am now.  The funny thing though, is that these seven stages can occur at anytime even when you think that you are fine.  I’m pretty sure I’ve got a solid foot within the redirected hope phase, but I don’t know how much hope that I have.  Again, I have a different outlook on marriage now, because I don’t think a lot of my peers who are also seeking the same thing truly know what it takes.  I’ll be the first one to admit, we didn’t get married but we were close.  We combined a lot of our lives together in preparation for that day and afterwards.  Either way, hats off to the people who do know the work and the magnitude of the step. This is a big reason I cheer a lot of my friends on to keep fighting the good fight to promote the element of family.  I honestly look at it in a sense that if God sees that path for me then I will walk it.  If not, it’s gone be me, the dog, career, farming, and the future CTS-V lol.  You have to be willing to be happy with or without that soul mate.  Don’t settle for someone who isn’t for you, just to appease society’s standards and meet some age goal because all your friends are married. Find that person that compliments you.  Both of you as individuals should strive to empower each other to be the best that you can be.

Now that we have hashed that out, I can honestly say that this was one of the most enlightening experiences of my life.  Previous relationships had the component of love, but they never pushed these type of boundaries.  It taught me a lot about myself.  I learned that my growing up as an only child and being solo working for the Forest Service definitely plays apart in my relationships. You become a self-sufficient individual who struggles with incorporating other’s wants into your life.  You struggle with not having your way, because you haven’t had to answer to anyone else.  I would sometimes look at losing that self-sufficiency as a weakness. Layer this on top of incompatibility and you’re going to have a rough situation.  It showed me that I’m not perfect and it helped me prepare for the next chapter of love. We both had flaws, but this is about me in this post.  It taught me that we should support our women and really analyze the things that make them tick.  It cemented what Bobby Womack was telling a young brother back in college on a “Woman’s Gotta Have It.”  I learned that sometimes you have to compromise but to be careful. Don’t compromise to a sense that you lose your identity within your relationship.  But there will be some positives that you will take from those individuals,  you may end up only sleeping on 1900 thread count sheets and have a hankering to explore abroad. Hahahahahaha

Finally make sure that you’re looking at her third eye when you take that journey to grow a relationship.  Pretty faces, chemistry, and accolades aren’t the only things one should look for.  It’s all about being on that same trajectory in life.  Look at who you are at your core and that will tell you alot. It can appear that you are on the same trajectory, but it’s like riding parallel to each other on the service road next to the interstate that eventually veres off.  Be very aware that people grow and change; which can cause people to grow apart over time.  This isn’t anyone’s fault.  To paraphrase, I remember someone once told me that “You have to find someone that fits you.”  “Find that woman that was made for you!!!”

2017 has been an interesting year.  From starting out on my own business venture with my cousin to going abroad solo for the first time to gain some independence after my relationship ended; I can honestly say that this year has made me a stronger individual mentally and I would even say physically.

While I miss my ex, I can honestly say that I am at peace in my heart and happy.  Knowing that we weren’t compatible in life and knowing that we both will be able to seek out people who have common trajectories in life makes it easier for me to move on.

Finally, this situation has brought me closer to individuals and really showed me that you can overcome anything that doesn’t kill you. Khalid has a song that pertains to this called “Angels.”  I want to give a special shout out to the angels who stepped in and supported me through my time of need.  I got you guys if you ever need anything and I mean anything.

Overall, here’s to looking forward!!!!!!!